And the Ronnie Goes To....

By Bill Schneider/CNN

LOS ANGELES (March 25) -- Bored with the Oscars and talking pigs? Then let's take a look at this year's second annual Ronnie Awards, named for ex-President Ronald Reagan, who turned politics into performance art.

At our awards ceremony, rest assured there will be no mortifying acceptance speeches, no tacky musical numbers and no nitwit political statements. And only the deserving will win.

So, it's lights, camera and action. The first envelope, please....

Visual Achievement (544K QuickTime movie)
They're an essential part of politics. Who can forget Ronald Reagan at Normandy Beach, paying homage to those who sacrificed in World War II? Or candidate Michael Dukakis riding in a tank and looking thoroughly ridiculous?

This year's award for best achievement in visual effects goes to ....Pat Buchanan, who had a look for every situation...statesmen...tough guy...man of the people. He held guns and pitchforks. He wore silly hats. No one else came close.

Best Costume Design
No, not Halston, not Calvin Klein. The Ronnie goes to goes to ....Lamar Alexander, the man in the red plaid shirt. He didn't make much of a political statement, but he sure made a fashion statement.

Live Action Short Film(704K QuickTime movie)
The award goes to...the Atlanta Police Department for the Alan Keyes arrest the night of the Atlanta debate. Keyes can not be with us tonight. He is somewhere in custody.

Best Documentary Short Subject
The winner? The Pete Wilson for President campaign. Blink once and it was over.

Best Achievement In Makeup
The Ronnie goes to...the Bob Dole campaign, for the response to the State of the Union address. What artistry! The senator looked so lifelike.

Best Sound Effects
The award goes to...publisher Steve Forbes, for that lilting laugh... (32K AIFF or WAV sound) and his personal rendition of "Hail to the Chief."(64K AIFF or WAV sound)

Best Animated Feature(448K QuickTime movie)
Who can forget the charming Morry Taylor ad that parodied his rivals?

Now, on to the big prizes.

Best Director
This year's Ronnie can only go to one man....Ross Perot, for the United We Stand Convention in Dallas. He got all the candidates to come and dance to his tune. They came, they performed. And then Perot said to hell with them all and formed his own party.

Best Choreography
Move over, Fred and Ginger. The award has to go to Forbes and the Bessie the six-foot-tall cow who danced with him at one campaign stop.

Best Song
The Buchanan-for-President fight song, introduced to the world the night of the Louisiana caucuses.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Oh my God, its a tie! The Ronnie goes to two men who supported Bob Dole and actually made him look like a young man....Barry Goldwater and Strom Thurmond, both of whom appeared with Dole on the stump.

Best Actress In A Supporting Role
No one does a supporting role better than Angela Bay Buchanan, Pat's sister and campaign manager. Here's a sample: "Let me introduce to you, without question the greatest candidate out there, a man who speaks from his heart, who says what he believes, believes what he says, the next President of the United States, Patrick J. Buchanan!"

And now for the big ones, the awards you've all been waiting for:

Best Performance By An Actor In A Leading Role
The Ronnie goes to ...Colin Powell for his book tour. What a masterful performance that was! Powell acted like a candidate for three months and had the whole country convinced.

Best Performance By A Leading Actress
Move over, Meryl Streep. The winner this year is...Congresswoman Enid Greene Waldholz, for her teary, marathon press conference. Who could fail to be moved by that performance? "You've hurt a lot of people who loved you. If there's a corner of your soul left that can be touched, Joe, stop now," she cried at one point.

Finally, we reach the biggest award of all: best picture of the year. The competiton was really tough, what with all those lavishly produced Forbes attack ads and those frenzied Buchanan rallies.

But the winner was clear: This year's political academy award for best picture goes to the year's most compelling courtroom drama. Yes, it's "Day in Court" starring the First Lady. One woman, alone, facing a test no First Lady has ever faced before. Hillary Rodham Clinton answers a subpoena, and the world watches, breathlessly, for the dramatic outcome. What suspense! What spectacle! And the best part is, nobody understands the plot and nobody knows what the ending will be. Remember when Ms. Clinton said: "I, like everybody else, would like to know the answer to how those documents showed up after all these years."

We can't wait for this year's sequel, Day in Court II -- the President testifies -- coming soon to your neighborhood.

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