UNLEASHING MAID POWER

I'm talking about overseas domestic workers, servants, housemaids. There are hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of Philippine maids all over the world. There are so many out there that in some countries, the word "Filipina" has become synonymous to "maid." Occasionally some foreign dictionary actually publishes this definition, setting off howls of "Racism!" and a deluge of angry letters to Manila newspapers. Then there is the politely-worded diplomatic protest, after which the furor dies down.

It is hard to stay angry when there are so many Filipinos earning their living as maids overseas and sending home the dollars that shore up our economy. One wishes our countrywomen didn't have to go out and clean house for other people, but such is the economic reality. Domestic work is good, honest work and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Okay, it can get embarrassing sometimes, but it's not the maids' fault if immigration officers constantly suspect Filipinos of sneaking into their countries on tourist visas to work as maids. I have heard dozens of horror stories about Filipinos who have been detained and questioned in foreign airports. Take this friend of mine who was waiting in line at an airport in Europe. The immigration officer smiled and chatted with each new arrival, briskly stamped his passport, and sent him on his way. When it was my friend's turn he took one look at her Philippine passport and put on a serious face. Slowly he scrutinized every page, and then he turned to myfriend and said in perfect Pilipino: "Saan ka pupunta?" (Where are you going?)

He proceeded to grill her on her travel plans and employment history for the next half-hour. By now the other passengers were staring at her and she was shriveling with embarrassment. The officer asked her where she would be staying, and when she named the posh district where her friends lived, he raised his eyebrows and said, "Really. There are Filipinos living there?"

Maybe it was the fact that my friend was dressed from head to foot in designer clothes that aroused the officer's suspicions. Or maybe he was aware that the mass arrival of Philippine maids in Europe was part of some larger plan.

It is time to reveal the real reason why so many Filipinos work as maids abroad: They are the advance party in our clever campaign to take over the world. Already we see signs that our subtle plan of colonization is taking effect. In Italy, our nannies have trained children to use the Philippine expressions of respect, "po" and "opo." In France, many children speak French with a distinctive southern Philippine accent. All over Europe, America and the Middle East, children are being brought up on Philippine traditions and values. Quietly, with a minimum of fuss, we have subverted the next generation.

Colonization is only part of the bigger plan. Let us assume that there are half a million Philippine maids abroad. Let's say one-tenth of them are employed in the houses of presidents, kings, corporate honchos, media moguls. That's 50,000 Filipinos literally dusting the seats of power. They have daily access to the best-kept secrets of these movers and shakers.

Or they could simply go on a worldwide general strike. At a given signal, the maids could refuse to wash dishes, change diapers, scrub floors, or cook dinner. They could sit in their rooms watching TV while the phones ring off their hooks, the dirty dishes pile up in the sink, dinner burns on the stove and the babies scream their lungs out. They could do their nails while their employers frantically try to re-establish order in their households.

Imagine the havoc that would be wrought if presidents and prime ministers had to clean their own bathrooms. Chaos would erupt. Within days there would be an international crisis. World leaders would have no choice but to give in to the maids' demands, for it is a well-known fact that the higher one rises in society, the less willing one is to perform household chores. The degree of social, political, and economic influence a person wields is inversely proportional to that person's inclination to do housework.

And the Philippines, a country not generally regarded as a world power, would hold the solution to this crisis. We could have anything we want. Our advance army of maids holds the world by its vacuum cleaners. And its dishwashers, and its microwave ovens. Today we scrub your bathtubs. Tomorrow we rule.